sadness – Long walks and dark chocolate

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Sometimes I forget that spring is coming. Everything seems dry and dead and there is barely any color. Locked in the bathroom, asking God why, I wonder if He really heard all of those silent, heartbroken pleas, the soulful dew faced prayers and the loud proclamations made, while pacing back and forth, my confident steps seemingly pounding the glorious truths out on the ground beneath me. I prayed, I believed, I proclaimed, I professed but alas, the outcome was not as I expected.

For a moment, I am lost in self pity, it almost feels good. Don’t I deserve it? The flesh pleasing state of ME? I realize my plan might not have been the best after all, I may have misunderstood God’s intended effect. I feel hurt, forgotten and blind-sighted. I could give in to this darkness, the cloak of heaviness the enemy is more than happy to shroud me in. I have been here before though and I know that choice leads me nowhere.

So, I take a deep breath and utter with the weakest trembling voice, “nevertheless, You are still God”. That profession alone awakens and revives that faith that I knew I had and suddenly, the day doesn’t seem quite so dark and dreary. I let the truth of those words, sink in and suddenly I’m eager to escape my place of refuge and run toward the light. A spirit fed river begins to course through me, leaving peace in every dark and shadowy place. Like someone emerging from under the raging sea, gasping, I take a big gulp of redeemed life and am gently reminded in Whom I believe.

I open the door, walk out with strength in my step, a profession of life on my tongue and hope in my heart. God still reigns. Through all the turmoil, trials and tragedy of this earthly walk, He has been with me and brought me through every single time and He will again and again. Victorious living, one day at a time. He has already provided anything I really need.

I know that even if everything turned out according to my short-sighted, selfish plans, there would still be times like this. There would still be days of loss and sadness, days of oppression, days when I need to do like David did and strengthen myself in the Lord. I remind myself that His ways and His thoughts are higher than mine. He can see so much more than I and so much farther into the future. How arrogant of me to even presume for a moment that I can figure it all out?

This side of heaven, there will be trouble but the load is so much lighter if we let Him help us carry it.

Spring is on it’s way, it’s always right around the corner. Will life be perfect? No. I won’t bury my head in the sand and pretend like it is or smile when I just can’t. But deep inside, there is a peace that passes all understanding. This peace reminds me of a time when I didn’t have it and that alone is cause for rejoicing.

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the former things have passed away.” And the One seated on the throne said, “Behold, I make all things new.”

Rev 21:4-5

Warning signs

As I opened up the mirrored door on my closet, I caught a glimpse of my downcast expression. As I began to reflect on my mood at such an early morning hour, I stopped what I was doing. At that moment, I knew one thing. All cleaning had to cease and desist. A navy dress in mid-air about to meet its hangar home was tossed into the heap of clothing.

I was compelled by an overwhelming desire for my knees to hit the floor and His ears to hear my heart. I had to meet with my King and the sooner the better.

The signs are always obvious. I have been acquainted with them for years. My thinking turns dark, bleak and negative, or my mood plummets, or my reactions to others become sarcastic or haughty, or I may just feel somewhat hopeless about something. There are other indicators, but these are some I recognize right away.

At this point, I can choose to obey the signs and heed the direction they are leading me or find myself lost, anxious and floundering until I backtrack to what I knew to be the right course from the outset. This time, I do the right thing and soon find myself in my office on the floor.

Why do we sometimes ignore the signs and symptoms that our joy is being stolen, our hope is fading and our faith is weak? I believe the biggest reason is our busyness. We neglect to pencil in the time on our already too-full, appointment laden calendars for God. Our most important appointment, the one that should be the springboard for all other appointments, is missing.

As God continues to deal with me about this, I know this…

When He isn’t in first place, nothing falls into place.

As I poured out my heart to Him this morning and the joy, that only He can give, flooded my soul, I was reminded once again why I set my clock early (on most mornings). The day that is bathed in prayer while the sun still sleeps, is a day that brings with it the peace and courage to face whatever might come my way. It’s a day faced with renewed faith and strength. Most importantly, it’s a day where I have once again relinquished control and chose to place it in His all-knowing, ever-loving hands.